tumblr

if you haven't taken a look at my tumblr page yet, i've made the official transition.

The link is here.

I tried RSS feeding everything to here from there but blogger won't let me. bastards.

i liked it here mostly because the customization of the site is WAYY better than over there, but I like the dashboard and content mechanisms better over there than here.

sorry to all my exclusive blogger users, but if you still want to follow my blogging, you can do so at my twitter @bigtinypig.

You've been good to me blogger!

Kidz Bop

Oh where to begin..

Well let's start with the beginning of the story, as most stories normally start that way.

Kidz Bop is this pretentious little album that comes out every so often. It includes many "Top 20" hits of the year and is sung by kids. The target market here is mostly teenage girls and probably some younger boys. They have songs like Miley Cyrus and in the past they had Sugar Ray and N*Sync. I'm sure you've seen the commercials, but if you'd really love to refresh your memory, click here for the youtube link. But I will not be held responsible for your bleeding ears.

They have to know they're a joke... right?

My first complaint, as I'm sure you've realized I have a few, is that they spell it "Kidz Bop". No, not "Kids Bop" but "Kidz Bop". Now the "Z" was hip in the 90's but come on. They've released like 20 albums at this point and they've carried that stupid trend with them the whole time. Why? I'm serious, why? Stop it. It's enough.

Then I heard this little beauty on one of the commercials. That's right, "Party Like A Rock Star" by Shop Boyz (Another z on the end... god damnit). You'd imagine that they would have to change the lyrics to these songs to make them slightly less inappropriate for people who can't even buy the cd's without parental consent. But this is where my creative juices started flowing.. What if Kidz Bop intentionally released songs that were way too inappropriate for an 11 year old.

Imagine: Kidz Bop Dirrrty
With such hits as Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy?

I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo'
Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy

Don't forget Snoop and Dre's sensual duo, The Next Episode

Hold up, hey
for my ni**as who be actin' too bold
Take a, seat
Hope you ready for the next episode
HeyyyeyyyeEYEYyyyEYYYY....
.... smoke weed everyday!

Then there's the timeless classic, Limp Bizkit - Rollin'

One two three time zoom to the 6
Jonesin for you picks of the Limp Bizkit mix
So where the f*ck you at punk?
Shut the f*ck up
And back the f*ck up
Before we f*ck this track up

And last but not least, my personal favorite, F*ck the Police, by N.W.A.

I don't know if they fa*s or what
Search a ni**a down and grabbin his nuts
And on the other hand, without a gun they can't get none
But don't let it be a black and a white one
Cuz they slam ya down to the street top
Black police showin out for the white cop

All for the Low Low Price of $19.95!

Then I got to thinking, "which would be funnier, an attempt at censoring these lyrics, or the actual profane lyrics with no cesor?"

...yea the dirty lyrics are better.

Frequent Stops

Ok so driving around the other day and the car in front of me has a big sign on the back reading "Frequent Stops".

And that's it.

Now normally, I'd have no problem with it. But then I got to thinking, as I always do, and I wondered what his definition of "frequent" was. I mean for me to get to work from school, I make approximately 15 stops at intersections and for stray ducks. Is that "frequent"?

I followed this guy for about 10 miles, not in a creepy way, he just happened to be in front of me for 10 miles, and he stopped zero times. So why the sign? I feel like having a sign on your car saying "Frequent Stops" means you must stop frequently.

And here's another problem, why doesn't the car have a sign saying why it stops frequently? I've seen other cars that say "Frequent Stops - Mail Delivery" and "Frequent Stops - Construction", so why did this car not have an explanation? What was he hiding?

Sketchy son of a gun.

Tv guide channel

Speaking of the on screen guide that pretty much everyone has used..

I was flipping around literally the other minute (and I say literally because I don't mean to exaggerate, this event actually took place between 60 and 120 seconds ago), and I see that there's a tv guide channel.

Now I haven't actively used the tv guide channel since I was 12 and I wanted to see what was on the spice network. So I was a little interested to see that this guide channel still existed. And as you know, I have the on screen guide, and the screen had the little tv guide logo. But, the title said, "punk'd".

I hit info.

Now my mind was a blowin when I flip to the channel, but first I hit the "I'm curious" button.

I hit info, and I see: punk'd - julia stiles, the rock, kaley cuoco. Comedy.

I'm thinking, "ok, they made a typo or something." People are trying to find what's on the spice network, and some jokester down at comcast is messing with my head.

Curiosity gets the best of me, and I switch over to tv guide channel. Now as you all know, the screen is split in half on this channel. The top half shows some c-listers talking about their latest film while the boxes scroll up on the lower half of the screen.

They were playing punk'd on the top half.

Now remember how my mind was blown? Yea well seeing the rock being yelled at by a fireman while a building is burning down and the other half of the screen is slowly scrolling up and telling me shit that I already f**king know blew my god damn mind.

But then as I sat there watching this screen, I began to think. Why would the tv guide channel exist on my tv when I have the on screen guide? The house that i live in subscribes to digital cable, nothing fancy just the single step above the regular cable. We don't pay for extras or anything.

We have all this, and the cable company knows this. So why did they throw punk'd and tv guide at me? I have the tv guide by hitting up down left and right. I don't need a designated channel.

I hope your mind was at least partially blown by all of this.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

You Don't Mess with the Titles

As most people in today's day and age have experienced, Cable television has on-screen guides to tell you what is playing. I, as i'm sure you have, spent blocks of time just scrolling up and seeing what's on Food Network and Skinamax while never having to change away from Law & Order or Judging Amy!

But as I was scrolling this past week, I stumbled upon this on the display screen:

STARZ - 10:00 - "You"

...What the f**k is that? You? So I clicked "info" to see what was actually playing and you'll never guess what it was.

"You" Don't Mess with the Zohan.

First off, I understand they can't fit the whole title in there. These cable companies probably charge by letter or something. You make adjustments to fit the budget, and that's respectable.

But "you"? Come on. Zohan could have easily done the trick, and you'd know exactly what they're talking about.

In which you read something about me reading stuff.

I've never considered myself a busy reader, but I tend to go through a pile of books in a few months. It's the case of I don't read often, but when I do, it's a pretty good chunk of the book. My problem is that I read and say to myself, "ok just a few more pages then I'm done." Then, "the chapter ends in only 10 pages? I can knock that out." So it keeps going.

Today, I'm filling you in on the six books I bought while in Seattle.

Damn.

Well let's do this chronologically. The top left one was bought in a little shop on the 2nd basement level of Pike Place Market. I walked in the store and was greeted politely by the shop owner, a 30 something metro sexual. I then asked him to pick one book out of the entire store for me to read on my flight home. He excitedly asked me questions about who and what I liked to read, and found In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson. I'll let you know how all of these go of course, but for now I'll admit I have not opened it.

The very next day, I took a tour of Pioneer Square. There, the tour guides were hocking this title at us. Sons of the Profits It was written by a man named Bill Speidel. He started the underground tours of Pioneer Square back in the 60's, and he wrote this book as a History book for Seattle Schools. Given that the subject matter for the book is the sketchy business leaders that started the dirtiest city in the Northwest, the Schools banned it within three years. It then became a best seller.

Next, on the way back from Pioneer Square, I stopped in a shop in Downtown and picked up their only remaining Chuck Palahniuk book, Invisible Monsters. I got this strictly because it's Palahniuk. I've read a few of his books, and the others I've heard are all really good. I'm only a few chapters into this one, so we'll see. So far it's great.

The next two, Fight Club and High Fidelity (by Chuck Palahniuk and Nick Hornsby respectively) I have already read, but they deserved a purchase. You see I borrowed the books when I read them the first time, but I never got around to picking up my own copy. I picked these up after eating Pad Thai in Fremont on Sunday. While looking for my final book...

...this little number. Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass. I gotta say, I've never read these. I had always heard great things, I even used Lewis Carroll's poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter" in a paper I wrote 2 years ago. To finally read this is pretty exciting. I put a hurting on it during my flight back and the wait in the airport before take off. I tried explaining it and I really couldn't. But I'll try. The book is good because it's like finally getting to eat dessert. You've heard about it, you've waited for it, and when it finally comes, and you sink your teeth into it, it's as good as they told you. Also, the style of the writing is great because it's almost childlike in it's straightforwardness. Yet at the same time, it's very metaphorical. Alice is interesting character that I never really gave any thought about before actually reading the stories. I'd check this one out if I were you.

Well that about covers it. I hope you've enjoyed reading about me reading.