Seven Years War

I had to write a paper on the Seven Years War (1756-63) in history today, and I think I did pretty well. But instead of telling you the comprehensive analysis of causes and effects of the war, focusing on the major players in the battle, such as Frederick II of Prussia and Maria Theresa of Austria, I'll tell it like I would tell about a fight I was involved in.

So Frederick II occupied this place in Austria in the 1740's as part of this war with Austria, Maria Theresa wasn't happy about these em effers stealing her land so she waited about 10 years to rebuild her army. Meanwhile, England and France were arguing over Canada and the Ohio Valley in the Americas. Basically, they both belonged to France and England got handsy with the land and wanted something more permanent and not a one night stand. Netherlands said "i'm staying out of this shit" and they bitched out and played halo the whole time.

Because England and France were bitching and moaning, England had no problem signing a treaty (Westminster Convention 1756) saying that they would stay out of Silesia if Prussia would protect Hanover from the French. Seeing this, Austria knew they needed a new ally to replace England, so they called up France and they were like "hey, why don't you help us, and we'll give you the Netherlands when we rock that shit." and France was like "sure, is that it?" and Austria said, "nah, why don't you give us 12 million Livre a year for every year we don't control Silesia" and for some reason the stupid french assholes agreed (1st Treaty of Versailles). So Russia wanted in on the love, so Elizabeth I said, "hey we don't like Prussia cause they kinda sound like Russia and that's been confusing for years." so they sided with Maria Theresa (2nd ToV).

About 5 years into the war, England got fed up with fuckin Spain coming in and messin shit up for them in the English Channel so they said "fuck you Spain!" and declared war 227 years before my bday (Jan 5, 1762). I guess Spain didn't pay the phone bill, or they went over on their texting, because they didnt declare war on England for another two weeks. Once they did, Portugal went balls to the wall and said "fuck you Spain!" and sided with England.

At this point, everyone is pretty bloodied up. Elizabeth is dead, Peter III took over and switched to the winning side, his wife Catherine said "bitch shut up and sit down" and she switched back to the Austrian side.

Soon after, everyone was either tired of fighting or they withdrew their armies. France was forced to give up Louisiana to the Spanish, New France to the English, and they got to keep some islands in Canada. Retards. England took India over because they wanted to, and Prussia got to keep Silesia, but then said "why the fuck do we sound like Russia? lets reorganize that shit soon"

OH and because England is a bitch, they decided to impose laws limiting the white people in the American Colonies from going beyond the appalachians, which pissed them off, and then another law saying they couldnt go into canada, which pissed them off, and then they taxed the americans so they can pay off war debt in europe. That really pissed the americans off, so they declared independence or some shit.

at least this is what some guy told me, idk, but i heard it was intense.
and yes i know i am.

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